On October 20th I am participating in the Out of
the Darkness Walk through the AFSP. My goal is to raise awareness and funding
for suicide prevention. Let me tell you
why this is important to me.
Today would have been my brother’s 22nd birthday.
If I couldn’t be in Sacramento with him, I would have called, wished him happy
birthday, told him to go out and have fun, and probably even had my daughter sing
him “Happy Birthday.” I’d tell him I loved him.
He’d probably be taking college classes, maybe working somewhere
part time, maybe he’d be pursuing something in computers. I always saw him in
an unconventional job, like using his fascination with violent weather and
becoming a storm chasing scientist or building robots. I would have taken him
to Comic Con for an early birthday present, but would have still felt bad that
I couldn’t be there for his actual birthday.
Or everything I just said could be complete bull shit. But
it wouldn’t matter, because he’d be here. I’d still have my baby brother.
John took his life March 26th, 2008; he was 17. I
got the news about 9:30 Wednesday night, when my mom called me. I was 36 weeks
pregnant with my daughter and after a long day at work I was relaxing on the
couch with my husband, never knowing I was about to get the phone call that
would shatter the world of everyone who loved him. Tim & I threw on shoes
& jumped into the car to get to my dad’s apartment. I kept staring @ my
phone, waiting for my mom to call me back to say she misunderstood; she could
have just been mistaken….. right?.... Any second my phone was going to ring
& she was going tell me that John had only TRIED to kill himself, but he
was ok & they were taking him to the hospital. I waited for that call. It
never came. I think I was in shock… until we got to the apartment. My dad’s
unit was upstairs, in the back, & as we turned the corner, I saw the
coroner’s stretcher sitting @ the foot of the stairs & my parents, my step
dad, & my dad’s best friend coming down them. That’s when it really hit.
That’s when I realized, there was no mistake, my mom didn’t misunderstand, John
was gone. He was dead, and there was nothing I could do to change it.
He ripped out our hearts and left us here to figure out why.
It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But the pain of losing him isn’t even
the worst part; the worst part is knowing that he took away his own future.
The pain my family
has been through, the fact that my baby girl will never meet her uncle, the
loss of one of the most interesting people I’ve ever known, the loss of
potential, the loss of my brother is why this is important. This is why I’ll
walk.
My baby brother...
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