The worst.

I wish I could say that the worst day of my life was the day I lost my brother, but it’s not. Don’t mistake me, it was fucking brutal and I still have no idea how I made it through that night still breathing. Until that point it certainly was the worst day of my life, but, sadly, it still comes in second. My worst came a few days later. And it came in the form of a dream.

You know those dreams that have you in a panic? The ones that you flipped your car, owe $500K to the mob, or are completely alone at work and have to do everyone’s job? Then just when you can’t take any more you wake up. Now you’re completely relieved that it was a dream, oh silly you, just a stupid dream. I want you to really think about it. Remember the relief that floods over you once you come back to consciousness, back to reality. The deep breath, the heavy burden lifted, even a slight smile. It’s such a relief, it’s not real and it’s over.

Now imagine the complete opposite. This was the worst moment of my life.

I had a dream. I was at the hospital with my whole family, for my brother. We were all in his hospital room, & everyone was crying. He was dead, he had been for a long time. While everyone was talking & crying on each other's shoulder, I was sitting next to John's bed, just watching him. He was pale (even more so than normal) & his lips were bright red, dry, & chapped. I was thinking "That must hurt.. He's hurting... He needs water..." & he turned his head, opened his eyes, smiled weakly, & asked if I could get him some ice chips. Everyone stopped, they watched him talk to me as if this was a good thing, but not surprising (hey, dreams are weird) I ran out in the hall looking for ice chips. The hallway was dark, & I was having a hard time. And while I was searching frantically, afraid that if I didn't get back in time, he'd be gone again, it dawned on me that there was a chance John was going to make it, he wasn't DEAD, he was sick, but now it looked like he was getting better! This incredible, overwhelming elation of hope filled every inch of me. I started asking nurses & random ppl in the hall if there was in fact a good chance my brother was going to be ok & they'd smile politely & say something like "It's a very good possibility" I finally found the ice chips & went back to the room. As I opened the door a flood of sunshine came in the room from the window opposite the door. My family turned to look @ me, including my brother, who was again... smiling..... I smiled back at him, my heart full of love, gratitude, and hope. My brother was alive. We were going to be ok, and I still had the chance to show him how much he meant to me. How much he was loved and appreciated. He was still here.

That’s when I woke up. There was no sunshine, it was dark... but I still had the sensation of hope & joy, & I hazily thought "He’s okay!! He’ll be just fine! If I could just get to him..." then like a crashing wave I remembered that the ashes of John's body were in a box. There was no chance of him ever coming back. It was too late.

Every ounce of me deflated every whisper of hope left my soul at that moment. I felt like I was being crushed and I couldn't breathe. I’m not sure if that’s the moment it truly ‘became real’ or what, but all I know is it was the most horrific feeling in the world. To this day when I think of that moment, and how my insides were screaming yet my body was frozen, I cry. I’m crying now as I type this.

Losing someone you love is one of those pains you will never get over. I will always miss him. It will always hurt that I couldn't save him. It will always be my biggest regret in this life.

Please, if you even think someone might be reaching the end of their rope, or you have fleeting thoughts of taking your life, get help. Please. No matter how alone or unimportant you may think you are, there are those around you who will be devastated if they lose you. I promise.

1-800-273-TALK (8255) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

They are here to help, never to judge.

Why I'll walk.

On October 20^th I am participating in the Out of the Darkness Walk through the AFSP. My goal is to raise awareness and funding for suicide prevention.  Let me tell you why this is important to me.

Today would have been my brother’s 22^nd birthday. If I couldn’t be in Sacramento with him, I would have called, wished him happy birthday, told him to go out and have fun, and probably even had my daughter sing him “Happy Birthday.” I’d tell him I loved him.

He’d probably be taking college classes, maybe working somewhere part time, maybe he’d be pursuing something in computers. I always saw him in an unconventional job, like using his fascination with violent weather and becoming a storm chasing scientist or building robots. I would have taken him to Comic Con for an early birthday present, but would have still felt bad that I couldn’t be there for his actual birthday.

Or everything I just said could be complete bull shit. But it wouldn’t matter, because he’d be here. I’d still have my baby brother.

John took his life March 26^th, 2008; he was 17. I got the news about 9:30 Wednesday night, when my mom called me. I was 36 weeks pregnant with my daughter and after a long day at work I was relaxing on the couch with my husband, never knowing I was about to get the phone call that would shatter the world of everyone who loved him. Tim & I threw on shoes & jumped into the car to get to my dad’s apartment. I kept staring @ my phone, waiting for my mom to call me back to say she misunderstood; she could have just been mistaken….. right?.... Any second my phone was going to ring & she was going tell me that John had only TRIED to kill himself, but he was ok & they were taking him to the hospital. I waited for that call. It never came. I think I was in shock… until we got to the apartment. My dad’s unit was upstairs, in the back, & as we turned the corner, I saw the coroner’s stretcher sitting @ the foot of the stairs & my parents, my step dad, & my dad’s best friend coming down them. That’s when it really hit. That’s when I realized, there was no mistake, my mom didn’t misunderstand, John was gone. He was dead, and there was nothing I could do to change it.

He ripped out our hearts and left us here to figure out why. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But the pain of losing him isn’t even the worst part; the worst part is knowing that he took away his own future.

The pain my  family has been through, the fact that my baby girl will never meet her uncle, the loss of one of the most interesting people I’ve ever known, the loss of potential, the loss of my brother is why this is important. This is why I’ll walk.

My fundraising page for AFSP

My baby brother...

Come to the dark side... we have cookies! :)

Who are your favorite authors? Why do you think you love them so much? 
One of my favorite up and coming writers is a woman named Gillian Flynn. I was on her website today and came across something she had written to her readers and it made me love her all the more.


Check it out- Gillian Flynn: I was not a nice little girl